Ah, progress. Just when you thought the government had your back when it came to not poisoning you with dinner, 2025 said: "Hold my unpasteurized milk." Let’s dig into the latest "innovations" in American food safety—or should we say, food roulette?
USDA to Salmonella: "It’s Free Real Estate!"
Remember when the USDA spent three whole years crafting a rule to limit deadly salmonella in raw chicken? Well, good news! After careful consideration (and approximately 7,000 industry complaints), they’ve decided that math is hard, and counting bacteria is so last season.
Highlights of This Bold Decision:
No more pesky limits on salmonella levels in your chicken nuggets. Who needs ‘em?
Six dangerous strains? More like six fun surprises in every bite!
Recalls? Nah, just consider it a mystery meat experience.
"But wait!" says the National Chicken Council. "This rule was totally unnecessary and would have cost, like, money." And really, what’s more important—shareholder profits or your ability to keep food down?
CDC Fun Fact: Salmonella still causes 1.35 million infections a year, but hey, at least we’re not over-regulating, right?
FDA’s Milk Safety Program: "We’ll Just Close Our Eyes"
In another brilliant move, the FDA has decided that testing milk for dangerous pathogens is way too much effort. Why bother?
What’s Changing?
Grade "A" milk testing? Paused indefinitely. (It was just a suggestion anyway.)
Avian flu detection? Eh, if we don’t look, it’s not there.
Staff and labs? Budget cuts, baby! Efficiency means doing less with less.
The best part? This comes right as bird flu has been jumping into dairy cows. But don’t worry—ignorance is bliss, and your cereal milk is probably fine. (Probably.)
The Bigger Picture: A Buffet of Deregulation
It’s not just chicken and milk—it’s a whole trend!
✅ Fewer rules = More "adventure" in every meal!
✅ Less testing = Surprise ingredients!
✅ Smaller budgets = A truly free-market approach to food poisoning!
How You Can "Enjoy" This New Era of Dining:
Embrace the uncertainty. Is that stomachache from stress? Or dinner?
Invest in Pepto-Bismol stocks. They’re about to boom.
Follow the FDA’s lead. If they’re not checking, why should you? (Just kidding. Please cook your chicken.)
Final Thought: Is This the "Freshest" America’s Ever Been?
At this rate, we won’t need expiration dates—we’ll just wait for the food to announce itself.
Bon appétit, folks. 🍗🥛
Working full-time for you fighting the corruption in Washington DC so you can work full-time supporting your family.
Looking for a cheat sheet to hang on your fridge? Here you go!
