How to Survive the Totally Normal Upcoming Political "Situation"
Something written lightheartedly but to be taken seriously!
Although I do my best not to trigger you, my readers, this is a message that must be shared. It is a message that I received from a very reliable source. I ask that you take it seriously for your own safety and protection…
Ah, America. Land of the free, home of the brave, and—if certain think tanks and Twitter threads are to be believed— on the brink of becoming a dystopian novel setting by summertime. But don’t worry! Whether we’re facing Martial Law Lite or just another season of "Which Norm Will We Violate Today?", here’s your totally chill, not-at-all-panicky guide to navigating the fresh chaos 2025 has in store.
Step 1: Accept That You Should’ve Paid More Attention in Civics Class
Remember when you thought the three branches of government were "Netflix, Hulu, and Disney+"? Yeah, turns out that checks notes the Constitution thing is kind of important. Who knew?
Now’s the time to cram like it’s finals week, because if things go sideways, you’ll want to know:
✅ Can the President actually do [insert alarming thing here]? (Spoiler: Maybe! The rules are more like guidelines under the current administration.)
✅ What’s the Insurrection Act, and why does it sound like a bad sequel to The Purge?
The Insurrection Act is that fun little law letting the president play action hero by sending troops to "restore order" when states throw a tantrum. It sounds like a Purge sequel because, honestly, "President Deploys Military Against Citizens" is a killer dystopian plotline (just not the fun, fictional kind). And the best part? It’s totally legal!
✅ Wait, elections can be postponed? (Nervous laughter)
Pro tip: If you hear politicians saying, "This is fine," while everything is visibly on fire—that’s your cue to start paying attention.
Step 2: Build Your Apocalypse BFF Network
In case of emergency, you’ll need:
✅ The Lawyer Friend (for when you accidentally protest in a "free speech zone" that’s actually a holding cell)
✅ The Prepper Friend (who’s been waiting for this moment since Y2K)
✅ The Tech-Savvy Friend (to explain why your burner phone is still tracking you)
✅ The Chill Friend (to remind you that doom scrolling won’t actually help)
Bonus Round: Befriend a Canadian now, just in case you need an "extended vacation" later.
Step 3: Master the Art of Protesting (Without Ending Up in a Meme)
If you hit the streets, remember:
✅ "Peaceful protest" means different things to different people. (Some see civil disobedience; others see "domestic terrorism." Fun!)
✅ Agent provocateurs exist, and they’re not just bad actors—they’re terrible actors. (If someone hands you a brick, decline politely.)
✅ Recording everything is key. (Bonus points if you livestream and monetize it. Capitalism, baby!)
Step 4: Prepare for the Worst (Because it’s coming)
There are a few different ways to prepare your friends and your family for this. Therefore I’ve created a few kits to get you ready.
The "I’m Staying Put" Survival Kit:
✅ A VPN (because Big Brother is watching, and he loves your search history)
✅ Canned goods (preferably something you’d actually eat, unlike that expired kale chip phase)
✅ A printed copy of the Constitution (for dramatic readings when the Wi-Fi goes out)
The "I’m Outta Here" Escape Plan:
✅ Passport? Check.
✅ Cash? Check.
✅ Convincing excuse for border agents? ("Just really love maple syrup, eh?")
Step 5: Keep Calm and Meme On
Let’s be real—when things get weird, dark humor will be our last line of defense. So:
✅ Remember: History is full of people who thought they were the good guys. (So maybe double-check your life choices.)
✅ Also remember: Democracy Is a Team Sport (And Some of Your Teammates Are Wildcards)
By June 2025 we’ll see a full Hunger Games mode! But as long as we keep laughing, questioning, and refusing to let fear win, we’ll at least make the eventual Netflix documentary interesting.
Now go forth, stay informed, and—if necessary—practice your best "I’m definitely not a dissident" smile.